Recovery Hub
Supporting someone after sexual violence
It takes courage for someone to share their story of sexual violence. How you respond and offer your support to a loved one can make a big difference.
This page is for people who want to learn how they can support a friend, family member or partner who has experienced sexual violence. We also have information on responding to disclosures of sexual violence in workplace and organisational settings, which you can access here [link to responding to disclosures page].
It takes courage for someone to share their story of sexual violence. How you respond and offer your support to a loved one can make a big difference.
This page is for people who want to learn how they can support a friend, family member or partner who has experienced sexual violence.
On this page:
> Failure to Disclose Offence
> How you can support someone after sexual violence
> Know where to point someone for more help
> What to avoid
FAILURE TO DISCLOSE OFFENCE
If there is a current risk to a child, you may be legally required to make a report. Make sure you know your reporting obligations.
In Victoria, if you’re an adult and you have a reasonable belief that another adult has committed a sexual offence against a child, you have to report it to the police. Failure to disclose is a criminal offence. This is different from the ‘mandatory reporting’ scheme that requires certain professionals, like teachers and doctors, to report child abuse to Child Protection. It applies to all adults, regardless of their job.
HOW YOU CAN SUPPORT SOMEONE AFTER SEXUAL VIOLENCE
Listen without interruption or judgement
Sometimes you don’t need a lot of words to be a comfort to someone. Having someone listen lessens the weight of isolation, secrecy and self-blame. Listening is an act of compassion.
It’s important to give the person your full attention and let them share their experience in their own time without interruption.
Useful phrases:
- “Tell me as much as you feel comfortable.”
- “We can take a break whenever you need.”
Validate and communicate
It’s important to show that you believe the person and take their experience seriously. You should also communicate that they have done the right thing by telling you, that what happened wasn’t their fault, that they deserve to be safe, and that you want to support them. Useful phrases:
- “That must have been really difficult.”
- “It sounds like you’ve been through a lot.”
- “It makes sense that you would feel like that.”
- “That sounds understandable given what you’ve been going through.”
- “I’m really sorry that someone chose to do this to you.”
- “I can imagine that it’s taken a lot of courage to tell me about what happened.”
- “I’m really glad that you told me about this.”
- “Thank you for telling me about what happened.”
- “You have the right to feel safe.”
- “What happened wasn’t your fault.”
- “No one should have to go through that.”
- “No one has a right to hurt you.”
Create opportunities for choice and control
People who have experienced sexual violence sometimes have their sense of power and control taken away. Where possible, create opportunities for them to regain a sense of control and make their own fully-informed decisions about what they want to happen next.
Don’t force them to report to the police or to contact a specialist sexual assault service. Don’t promise not to contact the police if you can’t keep that promise, i.e. if the survivor is under 16 years old. It’s better to be honest and explain to them what you’re going to do.
Respect the person’s choices about whom to tell. Don’t share their story with other family members, friends, or people in your community if the person doesn’t want them to know. Similarly, if the person wants to be open about their experience of sexual violence, don’t tell them to keep it a secret. Secrecy can increase feelings of isolation and shame.
If you’re in a romantic or sexual relationship with a survivor of sexual violence, it’s also important to give them space and time to regain a sense of control during sex. Your partner may want to avoid sex or to put boundaries on what they do with you sexually – let them go at their own pace and follow their lead.
Offer your ongoing support
Let the person know you’re there to support them and make yourself available if you can. The healing and recovery journey can be a long one. There may be many challenging — but sometimes joyful and liberating — conversations. It can make a big difference just knowing you’re there to support them along the way.
Keep in mind the person might not want to spend all of their time talking about their experience of sexual violence. You can also show your support by doing activities with them that make them feel cared for, like going for a walk or having a meal together.
With the person’s permission, you could also rally others in your community to provide an active support network.
Some people may feel disconnected and numb and not know how to ask for help or what to ask for. Ask open-ended questions to explore if there’s anything you can do to help.
Useful phrases:
- “You’re not alone. I’m here for you.”
- “We can talk again whenever you’d like to.”
- “We don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to — I’m here if you want to hang out.”
- “Would you like me to check in with you tomorrow/ in a few days’ time?”
- “How are you feeling after everything we’ve talked about?”
- “What would help you to feel safe right now?”
Look after yourself
Someone’s story of sexual assault can impact you too, especially when the survivor is someone you care about. You may find yourself too tired to listen with care and compassion, or be overfilled with emotions. This is a human response to hearing about trauma and these feelings are valid. It’s important to care for yourself so you can provide strong support. Take some time out after a conversation to re-centre yourself.
Know where to point someone for more help
Know where to point someone for more help
You don’t have to have all the answers. There are many services that can offer professional support. Offer options and leave space for the person to decide what they want to do. You could also offer to contact a support service together.
Here are some services that can be helpful:
WHAT TO AVOID
- talking about your own personal experience of sexual or family violence
- suggesting the person is to blame for what happened
- suggesting that they should or could have done something differently to protect themselves
- making them feel guilty for telling you or not telling you, for example by saying things like:
> “the past is in the past, why are you bringing this up now?”
> “why didn’t you say something sooner?” - forcing them to access support services
- assuming the person is attention-seeking, making it up, or seeking revenge
- ignoring, disbelieving or minimising their experience
- pressuring them to disclose more information than they feel comfortable to
- asking a lot of questions to find out all of the details. The story might not fully ‘add up,’ and that’s OK. The person might not be telling you everything, they might not remember everything, or their memory might have been affected by trauma.
